Thursday, November 21, 2013

All wound up

I don't get real punishment often. One of the worst things that I do that Master has zero tolerance for is attempt to express negativity. It doesn't work for anyone. I think it is my adult version of a temper tantrum that is usually aimed at myself. The second is that anxiety over nothing starts like an internal fire. It starts with a tiny spark and steadily builds until I am consumed in its flames.

If I express negativity, Master will tell me "stop!".  I get one chance to stop, after that, If I continue I am scheduled for a severe punishment after I calm down. If anxiety builds, Master tells me to stop what I am doing and "go walk or run it off!". If I don't IMMEDIATELY do as I am told, Master will IMMEDIATELY make mince meat out of my butt. There is no second chance.

I started t feel anxiety last night. I went to clean the kitchen. I got the dishes put away then started cleaning cabinet doors, counter tops and started to take the pots off the pot rack to dust and clean them. I worked with ever increasing speed, feeling more and more stress.  The clattering disturbed Master.  He stepped inside the kitchen arch and asked me what I was doing.  By that time, my face was red, I was shaking and almost in tears. All that I said was "I can't stand the dirt". Master told me to put my clothes on and get out of the house and take the dogs with you.

Master grabbed me by the neck with his right hand as I tried to pass him. He twisted me around so I was standing with my back to him. He squeezed my neck and covered my mouth and nose with his left hand and began to "choke" and "suffocate" me. I struggled to breath. I don't stand a chance against him. "Boy, this is the worst thing that can happen to you. I can keep this up until you're dead. Nothing is worth the hell you are putting yourself through and I can tell by you're reaction that you're not ready for that.  Fuck boy, the anxiety is going to kill you".

I dressed myself and pulled on a jacket. Master was waiting at the back door for me. He whistled for the dogs and we all went walking. We made the circuit around the fence line and ended up on the Sunrise Deck. Master lit the gas fire and his cigar and sat back in a lounge chair to watch the stars. He reached into his jacket pocket to produce my pipe and handed it to me. I sat on the deck next to Master.  We sat in silence.

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