Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Blue Lights

I rented a Suzuki Hyabusa a few years back when I was visiting home. It was far more power than I had ever ridden. It controlled me when I first started riding it. I took the monster on a midnight ride from home to Madison, Wisconsin when the roads where nearly empty. It seemed I was bent on self-destruction because I opened that fucker up and flew down the highway at a speed that scared me. It was exciting and it cleared my head of all other emotions. I actually out-ran a trooper near Madison then got off the Interstate to avoid being caught.

I also went parachuting and helo-skiing that same year even though I was terrified of heights. I was tearing my own envelope then. I ate foods that I had phobias about as a kid, some of the food was really strange by American or European standards.

The night on the Hyabusa was the ultimate because I was a relatively inexperienced rider and I chose to speed at every moment of the ride. I was in control.

____________________

Then, by comparison I let something like being reminded of my mother turn me into a basket case.  Master coddled me though it while I  was in the throws of anxiety but caught hell for it last night at home last night.

Master ordered me to go to the punishment room. It has nothing to do with the dungeon or any sort of play. It is an empty room with a low table in the middle with nothing more that a strap hanging on the wall. There are no restraints. I have to lay on the table and take the punishment without so much as a squirm. I cannot cry out or scream. The punishment would be doubled if I did either.

Master came in a while later. "Do you know why you are here, boy"?

"Yes Master, I let my anxiety spiral out of control without communicating with you. But I didn't want to spoil the morning for you and our friends."

"I appreciate that but, they are our friends and you could have confided in them".

He pointed at the table, indicated that we were done talking. I took my position on the table. Master retrieved the strap and stood at my side for several minutes. He hung the strap back on the hook then said, "stay there" then walked out of the room, locking it behind him. He came back later to give me hell. He left me again, locking the door behind him. I "slept" there last night.

He came to get me this morning, acting like nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

To be clear about this, when I first became Master's slave, we talked about punishment. He didn't like the idea of punishment and wanted to avoid it all together. He said it would confuse the "play" aspects of the relationship. I persisted in  conditions for which it should be given. It became the only signed contract between us at the time.

No discussion of a demand or command given by Master may occur at the time it is given.
Punishment for visible or unreasonable disagreements will be intense and given Master determines. 

Significant emotions will be discussed in a sensible manner when it is appropriate. Downward spiraling behavior will not be tolerated. Punishment will be given as agreed and may be amended by Master.

The Terms of punishment are rigid and may be otherwise amended by Master. We signed that as a contract after outlining in conversation the reason I wanted it enforced. Now, punishment is more of a matter of ownership that a contract. The moment that Christian beat me for not realizing and for being disrespectful to the family (a few months ago), our relationships changed, especially with Master. The actually realization of the Master/slave began to change to Owner/property. The night in play when I told Master "no more limits" became a significant breakthrough that eliminated all contracts.

5 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you had to suffer punishment, mainly because I don't think those emotions you had can be so easily controlled. If it's enough to make you vomit it's more than a simple emotion, to my mind it's more deep seated than that.
    However, I do respect that you were given it and why, agreeing with it is more difficult.

    Not ever been on a Hyabusa. I know that some bikers feel the Fireblade is a bit soft as it is very forgiving of the rider and can occasionally get you out of trouble. But it's enough for me. And anyway, who needs to go 170mph? Ok, yeah we all do sometimes.

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  2. Tony,
    Buddha said that we make our world with our mind. My problem was much worse before I started meditating. The thing about what happened Sunday was that I should have talked to Ian, Master Ian, immediately about feeling uncomfortable. He could have prevented a full-on anxiety attack. It always works for me because I am forced to think before reaching the edge. Punishing myself is much worse than having Master punish me.

    Yeah, I'm not so crazy on my bike now but we occasionally open them up. Besides, I love my life now and I have a family to care for. I'd just lost everything when I was in dare-devil mode and felt pretty empty.

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  3. I understand where you're coming from.
    I have this take on things - You don't beat a dog for being a dog, you train it to behave in certain ways with training and kindness. From what I read the appearance of that woman was a surprise you didn't see coming. I relate that to the same sort of reflex reaction you'd have to touching a hot surface you didn't know was hot. The brain takes over and you automatically retract your arm, you don't think "Oh, that's hot" then move. I see your reaction at brunch in a similar way in that your brain didn't have time to compose an alternative and vocalise your feelings to Ian. That's where I think the punishment was, well, wrong in tis instance. You weren't disobeying or being disrespectful, it was a reflex action. OK, I may be off the wall here but I also think Ian may have had second thoughts too, leaving the room and returning after talking to the family or merely contemplating things again.

    Bikes - indeed they can be a joy and a killer. They're a selfish pleasure in many ways but once you get bitten you can't go back.

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  4. Tony,
    I think you need to know the boy to understand the punishment. Think of it as a catharsis. Sometimes after a migraine hen pain is gone he asks me to give him a flogging with the heavy weight bull hide flogger. It brings him out of the aftermath feelings of numbness and grogginess.

    Sure the punishment is meant to be a behavior modification tool but much more than that it helps him get rid of the adrenaline aftermath of anxiety over an incident. Does that make more sense to you now?

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  5. Thank you for the reply. Yes, it is unfortunate for me to make those observations when I really don't know the boy. It's easy for me to suddenly conclude one thing and forget that you're there every day with him and know him inside out. The catharsis you speak about, the dealing with his leftover "after effects" is something I didn't have any perception of. I suppose I only have my own experience to go on and, as you know, tend to jump to conclusions. Apologies for that.
    It's very interesting to have these short discussions though, and quite eye opening. Thanks again.

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